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A Life-Changing Discovery in the Highlands

When I was 19, I was volunteering at a retreat centre in the middle of the Scottish Highlands. This year was to be my gap year after school. I had a recent re-ignition of my faith, and my intention in the year out was to get to know God more – and to help other people come to know Him too. I was full of enthusiasm, but to be honest, I really didn’t know a whole lot about the Christian faith. It was a year of intense learning for me; learning about who God is and who I am in Him. The retreat centre was tucked away amid mountains and far from civilisation, so the wifi signal was poor – to say the least – and I suddenly found myself with ample time to read. One day, as I was scanning through the library for something to read, I came across a little book that changed me forever.

Okay, so that sounds a bit dramatic. But, it’s true. Reading that book was like someone held up a mirror so that I could see my most authentic self. It wasn’t distorted by the images I tried to portray of myself, or smeared by the beauty standards the world had set for me, but it was like God Himself was showing me who He created me to be, and I was overwhelmed with gratitude for it.

The book that caused such a response is a small, seemingly insignificant book, almost passable as a leaflet, with two sides. One side is called ‘Theology of Her Body: Discovering the Beauty and Mystery of Femininity’ and on the other side is ‘Theology of His Body: Discovering the Strength and Mission of Masculinity’, by Jason Evert. Truthfully, I can’t remember word-for-word what was said that impacted me in this book, but it was more of the shift that happened internally when I was reading it that made such a deep impression. A realisation that I was created intentionally by God with a specific purpose and design, and I was worthy of the love God had created me for.

Made in the Image of Love

The foundation of this book was centred on a truth in the very first chapter of the Bible, namely, that we are made in the image and likeness of God (Genesis 1:26). I’m sure I had heard this at many different times in my life – maybe my teacher told me in Primary School, or perhaps it was part of the curriculum for my Junior/Leaving Certificate Religious Education – but if I did, it had never sunk in. Even thinking of it now leaves me in awe; we were created by God, to be like Him, who is Love Himself (1 John 4:8). This incredulity of the dignity God has given us is shared in the Bible by one of the poets who wrote: “What are human beings that you are mindful of them, mortals that you care for them? Yet you have made them a little lower than God, and crowned them with glory and honour.” (Psalm 8:4,5)

I think this was the hard-hitter for me, the idea that God had given me so much dignity in how He created me, yet the way that I saw myself when I was a teenage girl was far from dignified. My ideas of beauty and worth were subconsciously shaped by many other influences. I sought validation from my friend group and peers, from what they thought of me, and how many friends I had. The idea of someone not liking me or thinking badly of me terrified me, so I tried to mould myself to the way I would be best liked by the people I was with. Which, naturally, caused a lot of inauthenticity of who I was. As is unfortunately the case with many young girls, I struggled with accepting and liking my appearance. I made such a major effort to look like Ariana Grande and other celebrities that I thought exemplified perfection, that I was losing sight of the beautiful, unique qualities God had given to me. I still firmly believed that beauty was so much more than the appearance of a person, but it was hard to reconcile that thought when I was not reaching the physical beauty standard, I had set for myself. This was my mindset; I was striving to be worthy of a place in the realm of beauty.

However, a lot of life has happened since those trial some years of teenagerdome and I would love to share some of the things that have helped me love and see myself more with the lens that God sees me through.

The Love God Created Us For

To say I fully understand the concept of God’s love for me would be untrue. It is a vast, and in some was incomprehensible, thing. But, over time I have come to grasp something of His abundant love as a Shepherd and King who leaves everything to go after the one stray sheep (Luke 15:4). I think we can all identify with that feeling of being a lost sheep at some level. It’s hard to believe that God intentionally sees, knows and loves me. You. But this is the truth He communicates to us over and over again in the Bible; He searches and calls out to us relentlessly and tenderly that we might accept the love He has for us. God chases after humanity that we might know His love for us. Does that sound back to front? Yet, this is the lavish love of God, to humble Himself and pour Himself out in love for us in all our littleness and weakness – to the point of death, “even death on a cross” (Philippians 5-8).

So, it is not a case of us being worthy of this kind of love, this is actually what we were made for! To receive the radical love of God and imitate this back to Him, ourselves and others is what Jesus regarded as the most important commandment: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: Love your neighbour as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these.” (Mark 12:30-31). If we are to do this well, there’s a correlation we can’t ignore between loving God, others and ourselves. Even though it can be a challenge to do it well, loving ourselves the way God intended is a journey we are all called to.

Building Confidence and Self-Worth:

Despite being given such an esteemed place by God in this world, we are generally not the primary focus in a room of others. A lot of our insecurities are only visible to ourselves. We can spend a lot of time worrying about how people view us, but the good (and humbling) news is that people notice us a lot less than we think! For example, the spotlight effect, identified by psychologists Thomas Gilovich and Kenneth Savitsky, occurs when people overestimate how much others notice their actions or appearance^[1]. In an experiment by Gilovich, participants wore a T-shirt thought to be embarrassing for young people and then estimated how many people present in a room noticed it. The participants believed around 50% of the group noticed the shirt, but in reality, only about 25% did. There can be great relief that comes with this information. However, even in knowing that, it is easier said than done to live out our lives from a place of confidence and self-worth. That’s why I want to share with you a few tips that have helped me a lot on that journey:

• Do what you love! When we are pursuing our passions, our focus shifts to being absorbed in the joy of what we are doing and how we can apply ourselves to becoming the best we can be. This naturally boosts our confidence as we begin to recognise the talents and gifts we possess, as well as the skills we can work on and improve. By immersing ourselves in what we love, we grow more assured in our abilities and find a deeper sense of fulfilment.

• Help others and direct your attention outward. When we focus on serving others, we shift the attention away from our own insecurities and gain a fresh perspective on our place in the world. Helping others allows us to connect more deeply with those around us. As we contribute to the well-being of others, this outward focus not only strengthens our relationships but also reinforces our own self-worth, reminding us that we have something valuable to offer. In giving to others, we often discover more about our strengths and abilities, building our confidence in the process.

• There is power in your words. A friend of mine was struggling for a while with her self-esteem, but credits a lasting transformation of that to one piece of advice she was given – to speak out this sentence everyday: “I am _____, a beloved daughter/son of the Father. I am seen, known and loved by Him and He is delighted in me”. It might seem a bit simple and cheesy, but they are weighty statements that help us to remember the truth of who we are.

• Read Scripture. Immerse yourself in the Bible; the Scriptures remind us of our identity as beloved children of God and allow us to anchor ourselves in the knowledge of the God who loves us and dwells within us – which is a great source for our confidence and worth to be rooted in (I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me – Philippians 4:13).

• Read Wholesome and Helpful Books. Alongside the Bible, there are many books that have been written with the intent of building up and affirming one’s confidence, worth, and dignity. I recommend Captivating and Wild at Heart by John and Stasi Eldredge, which offer insight into our unique value and life’s purpose. Even books on human biology reveal the great wonder that we are! Reading can be a powerful tool for self-discovery, helping us to recognise our intrinsic worth and live with more confidence.

Learning to love yourself as God intended is a transformative journey of embracing your identity in who God created you to be. My experience in the Scottish Highlands, inspired by a simple yet profound book, was a turning point in understanding my true worth and purpose. This realisation, rooted in the truth that I was – that we are – made in God’s image, reshaped my misguided perspective on self-worth and love. Over the years, I have learned that building confidence and self-worth goes beyond external validation and self-affirmation; through pursuing our passions, serving others, engaging with Scripture, and aligning ourselves with how God sees us, we naturally grow in confidence and embrace the freedom in our deepest identity as a beloved son or daughter of the Father.

On that note, this poem is one I came across in my last year of university that I think touches on the topic of self-worth and who God sees us as very powerfully. I encourage you to sit with it for a few moments and allow the words to remind you of the personal love God has for you, and the incredible worth He has given you in calling you His own:

Love III – George Herbert

Love bade me welcome. Yet my soul drew back

                              Guilty of dust and sin.

But quick-eyed Love, observing me grow slack

                             From my first entrance in,

Drew nearer to me, sweetly questioning,

                             If I lacked any thing.

A guest, I answered, worthy to be here:

                             Love said, You shall be he.

I the unkind, ungrateful? Ah my dear,

                             I cannot look on thee.

Love took my hand, and smiling did reply,

                             Who made the eyes but I?

Truth Lord, but I have marred them: let my shame

                             Go where it doth deserve.

And know you not, says Love, who bore the blame?

                             My dear, then I will serve.

You must sit down, says Love, and taste my meat:

                             So I did sit and eat.^[2]

Other Helpful Resources: SAOL

Designed with you and your students in mind, An Tobar Nua’s free resource, SAOL, provides an entertaining video series on topics such as Purpose, Hope, Love, Peace, Freedom and Joy – and contains supportive material to delve deeper into these themes within the classroom. What’s Love Got to do With It? Is an episode that has some helpful activities in its supporting documents, should you wish to further reflect on this topic. Not only that, but if you wanted to speak about building confidence and self-worth with your students, here’s a little snippet of content in that episode that goes hand-in-hand with that very topic:

Activity A (i) & (ii): Discovering Your Primary Love Language
This activity helps students identify their primary love language, which can enhance their understanding of how they both give and receive love. By recognising their love language, students can better appreciate their unique ways of experiencing love, fostering self-awareness and confidence in their personal worth.

Activity E: Reflecting on Love in Life
This reflective journaling activity encourages students to recall times when they felt loved and how that love was expressed. By connecting these experiences to their love languages, students can deepen their understanding of how they perceive love, reinforcing their sense of being valued and loved, which is crucial for building self-worth.

Activity F: Exploring Love in 1 Corinthians 13
This activity invites students to reflect on the biblical definition of love and how it applies to their lives. By aligning these love traits with their own experiences and faith, students can develop a more profound sense of self-worth, grounded in the belief that they are loved unconditionally by God.

If you want to have a look at this episode and its activities for yourself, you can find them on SAOL@antobarnuaretreats.ie under the episode on Love, What’s Love Got to Do with It. The supporting activities are found in the Teachers Resource Document that can be found directly under where the episode is displayed. We hope you love it as much as we do!

^[1] Aditi Subramaniam, Ph.D., “All Eyes on Us: The Spotlight Effect,” Psychology Today, June 27, 2022, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/parenting-neuroscience-perspective/202206/all-eyes-us-the-spotlight-effect.

^[2] George Herbert, “Love (III),” in George Herbert and the Seventeenth-Century Religious Poets, ed. Mario A. Di Cesare (New York: W. W. Norton and Company, Inc., 1978)